I need a heart

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." I always thought, duh. Christianity, Christ-followers, of course it is all about loving God. Only one problem, I assumed that since I have always considered myself a Christian, that I was already doing this.

I have a problem. I am a well educated, western-thinking man, who is an engineer by trade. All I do all day is think logically, drawing logical conclusions, trying to perceive all logical outcomes from a decision. I live in my brain. This is not to say I am super smart, there are lots of people smarter than me. But this is not about them, this is about me. My point is, I live in my head.

So I read this verse, and I thought, "duh". That's the problem, I immediately started thinking. Not only that, I didn't go any farther than thinking. I never actually checked my heart to see if I do in fact love God. So now, I go and look... and I discover that I can't find my heart. Now I have a problem.

I do not believe that all there is to a man is his brain, his thoughts, his perceptions, his logic. Man has a heart, man has a spirit. This is where passion comes from, this is where identity comes from, this is where love comes from, this is where purpose is defined. I hope it is clear I am not talking about emotions, those crazy, unpredictable reactions to the twists and turns in life. Emotions can change on a whim, and can be affected and changed by so many outside influences. I am talking about the core of a man, the place where a man can return to when he is confused, where he can look when he wants to know who he truly is, and what his measure is. This is where he can set his purpose, from which his passion will flow, and from where he will love.

So I look, and I cannot find, this core. Once again, I have a problem.

Am I some sort of mutant that does not have a heart? No, I don't believe so. I think my problem is that I live in my brain. I am looking with my brain for something it can guess about but truly cannot fathom. Is there any logic in the heart? No, passion is not logical, love is not logical. So I am living in my brain, trying to use it to check out the rest of me to make sure everything is ok. I interact with this verse in my brain, and my brain goes to check my heart to make sure I am loving God. After all, this is the most important command. It makes sense, I better go check. But my brain cannot go check on my heart, because it cannot fathom it.

How can I find my heart? I think my problem is that I have spent my whole life in my head. Everything seemed clear, understandable. Education had me spend every day of my life focused on training and refining my brain. So I live here, where everything can be explained... until you start asking questions that the brain has no answer for, like "what is the point of all of this?". Hmm, looking for a purpose in life, well, I was always a Christian, so that was the point. So I filled my head with Christianity, studying the Bible, studying theology. It is all in my head. Perfect, I am all set... until God starts saying things that I can't do with my head, like "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

Well, I can't seek Him with all my heart from my head. I need a heart for that, so once again, I go looking, and I can't find a heart. Once again, I am only interacting with God's Word with my head and not my heart. Once again, I think of "me" as defined by what is in my head. I need to find my heart, or have God find it, and make it part of the definition of "me". It sure would be nice to have an unexplainable, undefinable love and passion for God, rather than just a knowledge. I think it is in there somewhere.

God, awaken my heart! Bring me to life!